‘I am, the Dolum.’ This is what you might probably hear me say on several separate occasions, the conference, the gathering and so on and so forth. But there is a more complex and structural background to me, Dolimo Bunker, Aka : The Dolum, creator of Isexes, Geni Uss and Lowe. There is more to me than my outfits and richness. There is my childhood, my teenage youthfulness and me as you might see me today, a widely recognised, what they call, celebrity, if I may use that word.
My life has been such an unusual life compared to the other varieties of peoples frames, which are varied and some like mine, but not others to me. I have decided to write this book, because my life is a jewel, a jewel to be shared with other species of humans in the world. I am like a big balloon, to burst out all my passions, ideas and such a wonderful life to me and others on the world. As you read through the pages and indulge yourself in my novel, reflect on yourself and think yourselves lucky that you are so individual and unique, and that I have written this book with time and effort for you all.
I think everyone has at least one talent. I myself, have many, but I think that you should not take your talents for granted and you should use them to stir you onto greater heights.
I must stress about youths and individuals that think that school is a wreck and all the masters are strict, bossy and annoying. Well I disagree. Education is one of the few and most important stems in the United Kingdom and should be around the world too. And you too should learn a lesson. If the master gives you behavioural detention or misconduct, and so on and so forth, that master has a right to do so, in the same way where you might get rewarded with a certificate or an owl for your endeavours. Masters are fair, and organised. You, yourself should work hard in class and never misbehave in an inconsiderable or ill mannered way to cause disruption to the class and the master. Work is part of the body, as it were.
But enough of that, I have to get on with my delightful story in my delightful hardback book. I hope you will read along and do, enjoy.
One
I suppose that, for one, my life started right from birth to today, as it were. I was born at 9.49 pm on the 2nd of April, 1976 at the Brighton Hospital. I am proud to be born there, because Brighton is such a lovely, architectural town. It has some lovely buildings and a simply beautiful seafront. I often used to see people skating along it with new sunglasses, drinking fresh and tasty orange juice from those little white cartons they used to have.
When I was born though, I must let you into one of my little secrets that I possess, now we are further into the book. My parents, Janine and Paufda, said I was a very ugly baby. I was a large baby, about ten to eleven pounds and I had brown eyes and a tuft of brown hair. I had my mother’s pointy nose and my father’s mouth.
My first word, I said when I was one. It was, Genius, when I heard my parents talking on and on to the neighbours, day in, day out about me, myself. Though I am not talking half direct about me, personally, I must admit that they were not wrong. Around four days after I was born, I could pick up a counting set. My parents were so thrilled, that they bounced me on the bed, childish, I must stress. The beds, in those days were old fashioned. Old fashioned, as they were, had blankets with silkabubs and square bean trilled pillows.
When I was very young, around one, I was starting to form words together beautifully. I learnt the English language from my parents. One of the first questions I asked, when I was a young youth, was
“Why can’t they stop littering the seafront with paper cartons?”
And my parents just said,
“Because value A.”
I fretted over this new formula, if it were, and a few days later, I understood and spoke to my parents over it. As t’were, it was voiced,
“Because value A.”
It was easy now, those summer days, people cycling along on bicycles, with boots, bells and bows, laughing and clattering on the tarmac ground.
In the sun, those little umbrellas and brightly colourful propellas being blown by the young breath. Postcards were sold outside little bars with wooden benches and the smells, oh the smells of delicious meaty mealsacks being cooked and stuffed into peoples pockets to be consumed with the sea air, the dry to be wet pebbles and a line of boats.
I used to wonder out there in my swimming costume about age four to paddle with boys and girls, older than me in the freezing, but refreshing sea water, splashing and laughing together.
The first important stage in my life arrived when I was five. I could properly talk now and scribble lines that meant young language to me and you. I could find my way around the house and count to ten.
School was due to start, as it were. My parents, Janine and Paufda arranged for me to attend, Brighton School for ages five to eleven.
This was the academic and educational start in my life, as t’were.
Two
On the 9th September, I started school. I looked handsome then, light hazel fair hair, sparkling eyes and dimples. My uniform was a bright yellow sweatshirt, a cream coloured skirt and hat and white laced socks.
I loved the uniform. I wore it everyday at school and never ever got it dirty. I was proud of my uniform and I still believe that uniform is an important part of school life because it represents the loveliness of the school. La la la la happy happy ding dong then, as it were.
On my first day at school the teachers all thought what a lovely young student I was as I was always sitting at the front, paying attention and working hard, being pleasant and good mannered to the teachers.
I loved the lessons, especially Maths where I learnt how to add up, take away and learn to do other useful and educational primary exercises.
I found it easy, partly because of the encouragement of my mother, Janine Triangular Bunker.
My first real friend came to me that December. Daphne Mayo was a young girl in my class who sat at the front with me.
Our first conversation went, a little like this.
Daphne - Hiya, there.
Dolimo - Good morning my fellow school student.
Daphne - Do you like school?
Dolimo - Oh yes, it’s very nice. I was wondering,
Daphne - Yes?
Dolimo - Ar ha.
Daphne - Why do you say that?
Dolimo - It speeds up work. Why are you wearing your hat indoors?
Daphne - I just like keeping my head warm.
Dolimo - You may notice it’s back to front.
Daphne - Ah yeah, it looks good.
Dolimo - You care about your looks.
Daphne - Well, sort of. I like to keep my cool.
Dolimo - I like to look smart like the teachers do.
Daphne - It can be a girls thing.
Dolimo - I am not yet familiar with the word ‘cool.’
Daphne - I just means everythin’ is calm an’ s’well.
Dolimo - I love maths, do you?
Daphne - Well, lessons are not bad but not good if ya see what I mean.
Dolimo - I cannot wait to do science in year 4.
Daphne - I suppose English is all right.
Dolimo - I dislike that girl over there.
Daphne - Oh, Katya Latherissi you mean?
Dolimo - Yes. I find her quite unpleasant.
Daphne - Yeah, I agree - she’s a bit to tricky if ya ask me.
Dolimo - Why do you wear your hair down?
Daphne - It’s just my style really.
Dolimo - I tend to have mine done in a tight bun.
Daphne - Aha, you look better in it, you suit it more.
Dolimo - Well I say, we might have lunch in a while.
Daphne - Oh sure. What have ya got in your lunchbox?
Dolimo - I have some fairy cakes, fruit cake, hot chocolate and an apple.
Daphne - Awesome!
Dolimo - What do you have. I rather like your rich glittery lunch box.
Daphne - Oh it’s not rich. It’s just a Play Doll box.
Dolimo - Oh really?
Daphne - Yeah, ma mom couldn’t afford anything else so she just got this.
Dolimo - What do you normally eat?
Daphne - Just some sweets, a carton of milk and a honey sandwich.
Dolimo - Don’t you normally eat your honey sandwich with one hand?
Daphne - Do I have to?
Dolimo - No, never mind.
Daphne - Wanna go inside?
Dolimo - Yes, it’s to noisy outside.
Those few weeks I began to know Daphne. She was lovely, she was laid back and very casual about life. She always seemed to have her laces undone and her hat was always lop sided like a beret.
On a negative note I also began to know Katya Latherissi who was a girl in my class. She was a friend of Maria Gracen who had long blond hair and a serious face. As for Katya Latherissi, I hated her. She had long black hair, dark face and dark brown eyes. She was horrible with her gang. They used to call me names like, ‘Dolima Dunker’, ‘Plastic Face,’ and ‘Dolimo Bonker.’
They criticised me because I had such a posh, lonely upbringing.
Coal burned in the fire and ice crystallised on frost.
But one day, in the playground, I was sitting on the wall on my own when they came up behind me and pushed me off. Luckily it was only a small wall so I had a safe landing. They marched me to a teacher, the only teacher who liked them, Mrs Brown. Katya said,
“Dolimo Bonker is mocking us!”
The teacher (who had a hearing aid) told me off severely.
I was so scared to tell the truth and it was my first year.
Other than that, school was okay.
Three
The teachers of course said I was a good student. Miss Pot, the Art teacher was quite fussy. My favourite teacher was Miss Thcyrbuk who taught Maths and Geography. Of course, I loved maths.
Mr Sceerz was the Science teacher who was very strict, which was good.
I also liked Mrs Bosini who taught music - she was good. I didn’t much like Mrs Brown, she taught Physics but we didn’t have her.
Mrs Both on the other hand was an English teacher and was very strict. She used to talk on and on about us as specs of dust in the universe and how the world does not revolve around one person and such like.
I’m not saying that it was wrong for she was right.
But of course, Katya and Maria were silly and ruined it for the rest of the class. I remember Daphne looking puzzled at one of these occasions.
Katya and Maria used to flick paper balls at people. One even landed on Mrs Both! When she told people off she normally went,
“I’m Mrs Both and I have seen certain individuals behaving in an unacceptable manner. It’s the ignorance of arrogance and I, Mrs Both do not want to tolerate this. I am a good teacher. Some of you are not paying attention to what I am saying,” and she went on like this for five minutes.
One week in the spring term, Daphne forgot her bag and had to be put on report. Now if you are a youth, or young youth and you are reading this, it may strike you odd that children aged five got put on report. But they were in those days and Daphne Mayo had to have support teachers to give her help in being organised, if she doesn’t mind me saying.
But Katya Latherissi and her cruel gang thought this was very funny.
They actually tore up her report card so that poor Daphne had to be punished. School was quite unfair in a way.
When I was eight I had my first exam. Mrs Both kindly spent a lesson teaching us how to revise, it was a maths exam taking place in a week.
For one thing, I found revising quite fun and it relieved me of all the panics for my exam. It cleared my mind.
One day that week, Daphne generously invited me round to her house. It was in a street right next to the beach with some lovely cream coloured houses, the slating laid neatly and the brown wood gleaming in the evening summer sun. Her one was quite a small house.
Daphne’s mother was called Sandy and Daphne’s father was called Seymour. They were both very nice indeed.
Her room was pleasant and simple. A small white bed with a blue cover, a wooden floor and yellow walls. That and a small table was it really, so it looked fairly tidy and minimalist. That is what I can remember.
It was quite different to my room. Mine had a four poster bed of dark almost black wood, with white pillows and covers. There were tall Victorian windows with gold decorative borders and shutters and the floor had a beige carpet.
There was a large box in one corner where all my clothes were and a rich painting on the wall of William IV. I am lucky that I am in a rich family.
Anyway, back to Daphne’s house.
We had tuna and leak pie for tea with warm mayonnaise and followed by sweets for dessert. It was a delicious yet basic meal, but it was lovely.
After tea we did some revising. Since I had already done loads, I helped Daphne - for she was finding it difficult. She did try hard and therefore succeeded. I tested her, and one time she nearly got all of them right.
The following week we spent breaktimes revising and on the day we were all very nervous, even me.
Four
Miss Thcyrbuk stood at the front, her brown hair in a tight bun, Her flowery skirt and her arms folded over her tall, thin figure.
“In a line please!” she barked.
We obeyed.
“Please Miss, you have a nice skirt on!” said Daphne.
I whispered to her about sucking up about something relevant.
Miss Thcyrbuk sighed. Daphne was embarrassed.
“Thankyou dear pupil.” she said. She looked slightly gaunt.
Suddenly, Mr Notslim, the year eight Geography teacher bounded in with his hand up his sleeve. Miss Thcyrbuk looked to him, the slightest interest causing a dark glimmer in her eyes.
“Where is it? Oh - there it is!” he said.
Miss Thcyrbuk’s mood totally changed. She looked harassed and giggled like a young girl.
“Oh Mr Notslim - you are a dear! Har har!”
That was it. He walked out again.
She gave us out our test papers.
Daphne glanced around curiously.
“No wandering eyes!” snapped Miss Thcyrbuk.
Daphne suddenly looked down, shaking. She was scared of Miss Thcyrbuk.
“Start now.”
The test was only fifty questions and I found it easy. She gave us an hour, not long. I actually enjoyed it but it was over quickly.
I finished fifteen minutes before the end.
Daphne cautiously entered the black bowl of darkness. It was cool down here and there was a distinct dripping somewhere above us. Water, yes. We could stow it back to the house. I followed her.
The cavern we entered was huge. Looking up, the ceiling formed a bell above us. We could never estimate how high or wide it was.
In small fissures I could feel sticky oil.
It smelt of old socks. How strange.
The next cavern was a weird green, the rock cracked in various places. A small tunnel, perfectly round and smooth, wound into the rock face. We crouched through it. I felt the rock. It was folded rock, the minerals perfectly layered on top.
The cave went for several minutes before the floor had strange layers on
it like the roots of a tree all spread out. It was like walking inside the gut of a strange animal. Water trickled over the floor.
We walked round and up side down, it seemed and before long I could not remember which direction was facing the floor, if there was one set floor. I remember crawling through in the dark, fearing the worst.
I lost my shoe in a hole which we did not see. It was under a deep fold laid over like a group of stalactites. The shoe fell down and landed far below with a splosh. We soon discovered that the folds were soft and shook like globs of glue. Or toffee. Some digging could make it bigger.
We pulled back the rock from the lip of the hole. Soon it was large enough. I went first, easing myself carefully into the hole.
It was pitch black and my feet hung in the air. I slipped into the hole.
The planet glowed greenish blue in the pitch black distance.
I sat on the ledge, a little way below the hole. I never knew how far away the planet was but the ledge was gritty and rough. I reached out.
My hands were in the cavern, before I fell.
It was only four metres but the moments were long and scary as I plummeted through the dark. That was a very stupid thing to do.
To my surprise I landed on soft brown sand. It was partially damp.
Water lapped a yard away.
Daphne landed beside me. I pulled my bag off and changed into my swimming costume. It was the school one, black with the emblem on.
I was shivering as I slipped the skimpy costume on.
I edged towards the water. As my eyes grew accustomed to the dark, I saw it rippling, black and shiny like tar.
My foot dipped in. It was freezing and gave me a quiver up my body.
I put my other foot in and I walked slowly in. The water was now up to my ankles, to my legs and further.
A while later, I was almost it. It was up to my shoulders.
There. I face dived in and emerged, grinning. And I saw Daphne watching me, also in her swimming costume. She was relaxing on the tiny beach.
I went under again and swam down to the dark green depths.
Five
The day after the exam, we got our test results. I was delighted when I found out that I had got full marks. Daphne also got ninety four percent, thanks partly to me, but she was so nervous and she did well.
But I got full marks! Loop whoop de ba da diy de ba de da da diy!
Miss Thcyrbuk asked us if we could think of a way that she could take
the marks in quickly. My hand shot up.
“Please miss, we read each of our marks out to you!” I said.
“Of course, love,” she said beaming.
Miss - Terry Stephens,
Terry - 85 percent
Miss - Ian Stephens,
Ian - 85 percent
Miss -Trido Weir,
Trido - 59 percent
Miss - Dolimo Bunker,
Me - Full marks, missus!
Miss - Really? Congratulations - have an owl!
Me - Thankyou missus, I will tell mother how kind you have been
Miss - Daphne Mayo,
Daphne - 94 percent
Me - I helped her revise!
Daphne - Yes, thankyou Dolimo
Miss - Good work, both of you!
Me - Thankyou missus
and that carried on . . .
I did many more tests over the months which all I got over 90 percent.
I suppose the worst part in my life was when I was ten.
Mr Vinda, the Headmaster sent my parents a letter after the twelfth maths test where I got full marks. It read,
Dear Paufda and Janine Bunker
Your Daughter has been an excellent and outstanding girl in the class. She has liked the teachers and as for her intelligence, the sky’s the limit. Her head is so quick learning, so sharp and so clever that we do not know what to do with her.
She loves the lessons, especially maths where she has just learnt her 6x tables and can recite it twice as quick as the second quickest student in the class. As I say, we don’t know what to do with her, your daughter Dolimo Bunker.
So our decision consensus has been to expel her from the Brighton Young School. The school is too limited and we do feel slightly that she is showing off a part too much and sucking up to the teachers, If I may say so.
I hope that she will be successful in her next school. She has just finished the spring term of year six so she isn’t missing much.
Great re - loading packerups are going to quit their fat roles. Shut up you!
Great Apologies
Yours faithfully
Vincent Vinda
“What?!” shouted mother when she read the decision of that beastly school. She typed an angry letter to the school but they just typed one back which simply said, ‘Read that letter again. I will not reply more.’
So that was the end of my education for that year. I missed the whole of the summer term - a third of the year. I couldn’t believe it.
Mother signed me up for a high class school in Brighton called Rodean Girls school. She said that I would go there anyway after year six.
I would be taking a test, a reasoning test where I looked at figures, codes, sequences and puzzles. It was very amazing, complex and intellectual. It was really to test how intelligent we were.
It was the months of June and July when I had private tuition with Mrs Both, tackling this strange, delightful new subject. I gripped it in just three sessions. Mrs Both knew me a lot more, and I was her favourite student she had ever taken. She also said that she taught learning support at Rodean. I was pleased when she said that Mr Vinda was unfair. I found the subject easy.
In late July, I took the test at the school. The school building was lovely. It was large and modern with a huge glass window at the front and back, a gigantic lunch hall and upper classrooms. A large clock rested on the front and a weather vane was perched on the tall golden roof.
I was nervous as I walked in for the test. I was sad that I had to leave Daphne at Brighton Young School. We were all wearing home clothes.
The lunch hall acted as a huge classroom for the whole year of nervous newcomers. We all sat on circular tables in groups of four.
The first test was the easiest. It started at ten and lasted three quarters of an hour and I found nothing hard at all. We had a break at eleven. Quarter of an hour later we went for the next test.
The second test was fairly easy lasting two hours, I only got stuck on one activity and one question. Then we had lunch at twenty past one.
I had my usual fairy cakes, fruit cake, hot chocolate and an apple.
But then a girl walked towards me. Her short hair was platinum blonde and she wore funny large glasses. I realised she was quite scruffy and she wore a sneer on her thin face. This was our first conversation.
Girl - Hi. I’m Flora Carne, who might you be?
Me - Hello my fellow school student. My name is Dolimo Bunker.
Girl - Did I hear Dolima Dunker or are you just a ponce? Or is that wrong?
Me - Excuse Me? My proper christian name is Dolimo Weberia Bunker.
Girl - Yah! What a Plastic Face!
Me - How dare you - you - you uncouth, mucky and rude youth!
Girl - Yeah but you can’t do nothin’ because you’re an old puff!
Me - How dare you insult my father! You really are foul! Wash you mouth!
Girl - You ought to learn to be like me you stuffed up witch!
Me - You really are nasty! I’m leaving.
Six
It was a bleak day in September 1986 when I was eleven. I had counted down the days of the last four months to the day when I would restart my education, as it were. I must stress that you might be sneering at me because of my education. Well do not. As I have said countless times in the Introduction, you are wrong to dislike education in all its factors. As I said, Education is a part of the body, as t’were.
Let’s return to the story then. I apologise to those people who love me, I know there are thousands but let’s get back on the right lines!
I couldn’t wait to find out the school uniform. And I did that day. It was a dark dark red shirt with a pink tie. Also, there was a short black skirt and tights. I thought it was ever so smart.
I arrived there on foot. I recognised the rich, golden palace of the school, rising up above the other houses like a majestic swan and many signets. I didn’t really know anyone there except Mrs Both.
I had already forgotten about that detestable girl in the hall.
Love equals love, hate equals hate, hate to love and love to hate are both negative, they are both not liking. I wonder why? Work it out!
Over the course of the year, I began to know Daphne’s big sister, Karen.
She was currently in year ten - three years older than Daphne and I.
She looked like Daphne as well, dark brown hair and blue eyes.
She nearly had the same lunch as Daphne, except she had lemon paste sandwiches. You could have said they were twins apart from age difference.
“So how is Daphne?” I said over a quick lunch.
“She’s fine, thanks,” she replied.
“Oh good, I wish I could see her,” I said.
“She sent you a letter through me,” answered Karen, licking lemon off her sandwich bread and then eating the bread.
“Really? May I see it?”
“Sure thing, pal.”
She handed me the letter. It read,
Hiya there Dolimo
I wanted to say congratulations for passing the test to Rodean school in Brighton.
I have not written to you since you were expelled from Brighton Young by that annoying brat, Mr Vinda.
I know it is halfway through year 7 and things aren’t getting along much without you.
But here’s the good news. I have also passed the winter test to Rodean and will be joining you in year 8! I have seen my sister’s uniform and I think it’s okay. But I still prefer my old one.
Unfortunately, Katya Latherissi will also come.
Do you know a girl called Flora Carne?
I think she is Katya’s sister’s friend’s sister. They might be mates when she comes so I’d steer away from them. How are the teachers? I remember you saying how you couldn’t wait to start algebra and science. You wanted loads of good strict Maths teachers. I am longing to know how you’re getting along. Everything in my family is s’well.
Well, as there’s nothing much to say other than I got a new lunchbox I will leave there.
Bye - Daphne Mayo
Next year, Daphne Mayo did come and as she predicted, Katya Latherissi made friends with Flora Carne. They were awful. Flora Carne was the worst. She used to call me a ‘boffin’, a ‘paufda’s puff’ and a ‘freak.’ Life was hard but the Mayo sisters were my bestest of friends.
Daphne got her own back on Katya in year 9 when Katya was put on report and had to have learning support from Mrs Both. So did Flora.
In English, Mrs Sparrow asked the class to write a Love sonnet. (A short poem about someone in particular)
I wrote one about Calculus, a famous mathematician who I admired.
But Flora Carne was dared by Katya Latherissi. It was really cheeky.
When she stepped up to the front, she coughed and recited her poem.
I’m Mrs Both
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so Big
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so Good
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so clever
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!
(What a pompous old windbag)
There was a deadly silence. I was sat at the front and just gaped at Flora in disbelief. How could she? How could she do such a nasty, cheeky thing?
In front of the English teacher? A few sniggered, A few looked impatient and several waited expectantly for the blow. There wasn’t one. But then,
“Go and stand outside, Flora. See me at the end,” said Mrs Sparrow sadly.
Seven
I can remember that Flora was put on detention for two weeks. She also got school misconduct. It turned out that Mrs Sparrow was actually a friend of Mrs Both. Such a crime as to make fun of a teacher in front of another teacher was unheard of. Mrs Both had been notified and apologised to. The awful poem was burnt at the stake. Four weeks later, the whole escapade had been totally forgotten about. Hoorah.
One week, the music teacher Miss Hale came round to my cello lesson. I had started cello in year seven and was mastering it well. I was at Grade six at the time and she popped in and said,
“Would you like to come along to my orchestra? It will only be ten minutes if you can squeeze that in a slot.”
“Yes please, I would love to Mrs Hale! I have more than ten minutes. I can be 1st cello.” She beamed as gave me the times.
A month later I performed lots of pieces in her lovely four hour concerts. My favourite composers were both French; Saint Saens, an amazing composer who created ‘Carnival of the Animals,’ I loved the piece ‘Le Cygne,’ the other one was Chaugh Pough. I loved his Baroque string quartet pieces, ‘Quat Tent’ and ‘Bow Loin.’
I was in Miss Hale’s orchestra and string quartet. She was lovely and was always adding pieces and encores. I used my talents to stir me up, as were.
Eight
When I was eighteen, in 1994 I went to the University of Brighton to study Maths. Daphne Mayo also went to study Religious Studies and Personal Development. I did not have to be with Katya Latherissi or Flora Carne.
We were allowed to not wear uniform but I dressed smartly.
My hair was now light brown, my nose and my chin pointy. I was very fond of my appearance. My eyes looked like pools of molten toffee.
I loved university. Every day, I would go there at seven am and return at five pm from studying Algebra, Trigonometry, Calculus, Theorem, Gradients and Computer Programming. It was wonderful being a mathematician.
When I was nineteen, I started teachers training. I was sent to teach at Brighton Young in fact. Thankfully, Mr Vinda had left and there was a much better headmaster called Doctor Ewol. He was part of the governing body, a great friend of the chairman of the governors and a friend of the spokesman of Brighton Youth Education. He didn’t believe in not allowing expelled pupils to teach there like Mr Vinda. Mr Vinda never allowed expelled pupils to teach unless they had a hearing aid. That striked me odd that a headmaster like Mr Vinda ever was that particular.
As you may have expected, I was to teach year eight maths - the oldest year group. I taught alongside Miss Green. We were both very strict. Miss Green taught set two, and to my delight, I was to teach set one, the best.
I also taught set three. I disliked set three.
I had to yell at them loads and send people out. I sorted them alright.
Coal burned in the fire and ice crystallised on frost.
Teaching soon ran dry and bitter for me. When I was twenty at university, I threw a birthday celebration. I invited Daphne Mayo, Karen Mayo, Mrs Mayo, Mr Mayo, mother and father to have a meal together at my house.
It was the best meal of my life and also celebrated five scholarships at A level Maths and Daphne had three, two in Religious studies and one in Personal Development.
I then went on to do Independent Studies at University.
I kept a journal of every move, every piece of work and idea I had, ready to piece my jigsaw puzzle together, all my observations and happenings. It was a little like a diary but looked on every aspect of the ‘whole.’
This was something my mother taught me when I was seven. The whole meant looking at the subject from every angle, creating a sentence to round it off, making an exclamation which was a page long piece of writing on what I studied and learning it. It basically meant weaving around it and doing every single thing possible with it - looking at every element.
I was to start Independent studies and go where few people had ever gone before. To explore every possibility in every subject and to start to create a subject. I spent long nights browsing over every encyclopaedia and dictionary and found a way of classifying every perspective of the worlds subjects, revising on what I knew, ie. everything I was taught.
I added to my journal the idea of every subject being linked together in a web. For example, Tree, Green, Plant, Flower, Decoration, Fabric, Materials, leading to two academic subjects - Science and Design Technology. (which was quite modern in those days)
That large subject could link to tens of other ideas. For example Science could lead to Physics, Chemistry and Biology. And that ‘string’ of links would not be on its own. For example, from Flower could be two strings, one to do with bread making and one to do with Flower as in the plant. That could lead to parts of the flower (to Biology, Science) and one could lead to types of flowers (colours, Early Learning or ever Gardening programs, Television/Radio, Media, Business Studies and so on).
Custom strings to a web were another idea which acted as strings for personal people like Green, My teacher, My school etc.
And then came simple custom stems which I just said or complex ones which widened the choice of things like green, shades of green, colours and so on. But I gradually added more ideas until I had something in the subject to grasp and work with somehow.
I remember sitting on an aeroplane back from my Christmas holiday in America and going to Heathrow. I was sitting there, opposite two people who seemed to be whispering about me. They were people at my University called Jessica and Sebastian Winton.
Sebastian later stole my book from the bar but I got it back, just before they threw it in the bin.
I had just thought of a name for the subject, Isexes - tradlatin for grouping. The final thing I added were the four different elements to the sum named after members of my family, Webs - Links to neighbouring subjects, Triangles - the overall question or answer, Bunks - The explaining or ‘pooling’ as I named it and Dolls - Items that back up reasons or sums and visible dolls linked back ups within the sum.
Nine
When I was twenty one I was already an adult. The year was 1997 and I had just left University. I had come a long way in life, but I still needed to come a good way more. I started letting Isexes off to the promoters where I explained it to them and they agreed to advertise the new subject, Isexes. One of the first schools they taught at was called Wycliffe College in Stonehouse, Gloucestershire. It was taught by a Mrs Corum and a Mr Gaunt later that year to ten and eleven year olds. It was also later released in the senior school where eight sixth formers signed up in a week! It was released to more schools over the year and began to get known as a Maths subject, ‘a new and complex maze of possibility’ was how the Sunday Times described it all.
Now Wycliffe and the five other schools treated it like a normal subject, as normal as algebra, decimals and fractions.
Many people thought it to be ingenious, but on the other side, over two hundred thought it was a pointless ‘mush.’
The first time I was on television was September 2nd, 1997 from 9.45pm for three hours on London Digital Channel. It was a conference, collection of speeches and debates. I moved house to an estate called Sisorca in London, The Thames Hill Zone. I still live there now and teach many lucky children Isexes private tuition. The estate is right next to the Park of London Park and it has a interesting museum and architectural hospital.
I have developed my image in many ways, by writing songs and taking fashion shoots. I work with Daphne in the Doldaphne system: Daphne chooses ten rich men to buy me the clothes I design and I wear them once or twice. I keep a quarter and auction the rest. They are worth thousands of pounds. Two thirds of the money goes to charity and one third goes to me. I then filter the money and thin half of it. I worked this out using Isexes. You can work out anything with it. And you must remember that if you want anything in life, fame or fortune, work hard and do not give up!
My life has been such an unusual life compared to the other varieties of peoples frames, which are varied and some like mine, but not others to me. I have decided to write this book, because my life is a jewel, a jewel to be shared with other species of humans in the world. I am like a big balloon, to burst out all my passions, ideas and such a wonderful life to me and others on the world. As you read through the pages and indulge yourself in my novel, reflect on yourself and think yourselves lucky that you are so individual and unique, and that I have written this book with time and effort for you all.
I think everyone has at least one talent. I myself, have many, but I think that you should not take your talents for granted and you should use them to stir you onto greater heights.
I must stress about youths and individuals that think that school is a wreck and all the masters are strict, bossy and annoying. Well I disagree. Education is one of the few and most important stems in the United Kingdom and should be around the world too. And you too should learn a lesson. If the master gives you behavioural detention or misconduct, and so on and so forth, that master has a right to do so, in the same way where you might get rewarded with a certificate or an owl for your endeavours. Masters are fair, and organised. You, yourself should work hard in class and never misbehave in an inconsiderable or ill mannered way to cause disruption to the class and the master. Work is part of the body, as it were.
But enough of that, I have to get on with my delightful story in my delightful hardback book. I hope you will read along and do, enjoy.
One
I suppose that, for one, my life started right from birth to today, as it were. I was born at 9.49 pm on the 2nd of April, 1976 at the Brighton Hospital. I am proud to be born there, because Brighton is such a lovely, architectural town. It has some lovely buildings and a simply beautiful seafront. I often used to see people skating along it with new sunglasses, drinking fresh and tasty orange juice from those little white cartons they used to have.
When I was born though, I must let you into one of my little secrets that I possess, now we are further into the book. My parents, Janine and Paufda, said I was a very ugly baby. I was a large baby, about ten to eleven pounds and I had brown eyes and a tuft of brown hair. I had my mother’s pointy nose and my father’s mouth.
My first word, I said when I was one. It was, Genius, when I heard my parents talking on and on to the neighbours, day in, day out about me, myself. Though I am not talking half direct about me, personally, I must admit that they were not wrong. Around four days after I was born, I could pick up a counting set. My parents were so thrilled, that they bounced me on the bed, childish, I must stress. The beds, in those days were old fashioned. Old fashioned, as they were, had blankets with silkabubs and square bean trilled pillows.
When I was very young, around one, I was starting to form words together beautifully. I learnt the English language from my parents. One of the first questions I asked, when I was a young youth, was
“Why can’t they stop littering the seafront with paper cartons?”
And my parents just said,
“Because value A.”
I fretted over this new formula, if it were, and a few days later, I understood and spoke to my parents over it. As t’were, it was voiced,
“Because value A.”
It was easy now, those summer days, people cycling along on bicycles, with boots, bells and bows, laughing and clattering on the tarmac ground.
In the sun, those little umbrellas and brightly colourful propellas being blown by the young breath. Postcards were sold outside little bars with wooden benches and the smells, oh the smells of delicious meaty mealsacks being cooked and stuffed into peoples pockets to be consumed with the sea air, the dry to be wet pebbles and a line of boats.
I used to wonder out there in my swimming costume about age four to paddle with boys and girls, older than me in the freezing, but refreshing sea water, splashing and laughing together.
The first important stage in my life arrived when I was five. I could properly talk now and scribble lines that meant young language to me and you. I could find my way around the house and count to ten.
School was due to start, as it were. My parents, Janine and Paufda arranged for me to attend, Brighton School for ages five to eleven.
This was the academic and educational start in my life, as t’were.
Two
On the 9th September, I started school. I looked handsome then, light hazel fair hair, sparkling eyes and dimples. My uniform was a bright yellow sweatshirt, a cream coloured skirt and hat and white laced socks.
I loved the uniform. I wore it everyday at school and never ever got it dirty. I was proud of my uniform and I still believe that uniform is an important part of school life because it represents the loveliness of the school. La la la la happy happy ding dong then, as it were.
On my first day at school the teachers all thought what a lovely young student I was as I was always sitting at the front, paying attention and working hard, being pleasant and good mannered to the teachers.
I loved the lessons, especially Maths where I learnt how to add up, take away and learn to do other useful and educational primary exercises.
I found it easy, partly because of the encouragement of my mother, Janine Triangular Bunker.
My first real friend came to me that December. Daphne Mayo was a young girl in my class who sat at the front with me.
Our first conversation went, a little like this.
Daphne - Hiya, there.
Dolimo - Good morning my fellow school student.
Daphne - Do you like school?
Dolimo - Oh yes, it’s very nice. I was wondering,
Daphne - Yes?
Dolimo - Ar ha.
Daphne - Why do you say that?
Dolimo - It speeds up work. Why are you wearing your hat indoors?
Daphne - I just like keeping my head warm.
Dolimo - You may notice it’s back to front.
Daphne - Ah yeah, it looks good.
Dolimo - You care about your looks.
Daphne - Well, sort of. I like to keep my cool.
Dolimo - I like to look smart like the teachers do.
Daphne - It can be a girls thing.
Dolimo - I am not yet familiar with the word ‘cool.’
Daphne - I just means everythin’ is calm an’ s’well.
Dolimo - I love maths, do you?
Daphne - Well, lessons are not bad but not good if ya see what I mean.
Dolimo - I cannot wait to do science in year 4.
Daphne - I suppose English is all right.
Dolimo - I dislike that girl over there.
Daphne - Oh, Katya Latherissi you mean?
Dolimo - Yes. I find her quite unpleasant.
Daphne - Yeah, I agree - she’s a bit to tricky if ya ask me.
Dolimo - Why do you wear your hair down?
Daphne - It’s just my style really.
Dolimo - I tend to have mine done in a tight bun.
Daphne - Aha, you look better in it, you suit it more.
Dolimo - Well I say, we might have lunch in a while.
Daphne - Oh sure. What have ya got in your lunchbox?
Dolimo - I have some fairy cakes, fruit cake, hot chocolate and an apple.
Daphne - Awesome!
Dolimo - What do you have. I rather like your rich glittery lunch box.
Daphne - Oh it’s not rich. It’s just a Play Doll box.
Dolimo - Oh really?
Daphne - Yeah, ma mom couldn’t afford anything else so she just got this.
Dolimo - What do you normally eat?
Daphne - Just some sweets, a carton of milk and a honey sandwich.
Dolimo - Don’t you normally eat your honey sandwich with one hand?
Daphne - Do I have to?
Dolimo - No, never mind.
Daphne - Wanna go inside?
Dolimo - Yes, it’s to noisy outside.
Those few weeks I began to know Daphne. She was lovely, she was laid back and very casual about life. She always seemed to have her laces undone and her hat was always lop sided like a beret.
On a negative note I also began to know Katya Latherissi who was a girl in my class. She was a friend of Maria Gracen who had long blond hair and a serious face. As for Katya Latherissi, I hated her. She had long black hair, dark face and dark brown eyes. She was horrible with her gang. They used to call me names like, ‘Dolima Dunker’, ‘Plastic Face,’ and ‘Dolimo Bonker.’
They criticised me because I had such a posh, lonely upbringing.
Coal burned in the fire and ice crystallised on frost.
But one day, in the playground, I was sitting on the wall on my own when they came up behind me and pushed me off. Luckily it was only a small wall so I had a safe landing. They marched me to a teacher, the only teacher who liked them, Mrs Brown. Katya said,
“Dolimo Bonker is mocking us!”
The teacher (who had a hearing aid) told me off severely.
I was so scared to tell the truth and it was my first year.
Other than that, school was okay.
Three
The teachers of course said I was a good student. Miss Pot, the Art teacher was quite fussy. My favourite teacher was Miss Thcyrbuk who taught Maths and Geography. Of course, I loved maths.
Mr Sceerz was the Science teacher who was very strict, which was good.
I also liked Mrs Bosini who taught music - she was good. I didn’t much like Mrs Brown, she taught Physics but we didn’t have her.
Mrs Both on the other hand was an English teacher and was very strict. She used to talk on and on about us as specs of dust in the universe and how the world does not revolve around one person and such like.
I’m not saying that it was wrong for she was right.
But of course, Katya and Maria were silly and ruined it for the rest of the class. I remember Daphne looking puzzled at one of these occasions.
Katya and Maria used to flick paper balls at people. One even landed on Mrs Both! When she told people off she normally went,
“I’m Mrs Both and I have seen certain individuals behaving in an unacceptable manner. It’s the ignorance of arrogance and I, Mrs Both do not want to tolerate this. I am a good teacher. Some of you are not paying attention to what I am saying,” and she went on like this for five minutes.
One week in the spring term, Daphne forgot her bag and had to be put on report. Now if you are a youth, or young youth and you are reading this, it may strike you odd that children aged five got put on report. But they were in those days and Daphne Mayo had to have support teachers to give her help in being organised, if she doesn’t mind me saying.
But Katya Latherissi and her cruel gang thought this was very funny.
They actually tore up her report card so that poor Daphne had to be punished. School was quite unfair in a way.
When I was eight I had my first exam. Mrs Both kindly spent a lesson teaching us how to revise, it was a maths exam taking place in a week.
For one thing, I found revising quite fun and it relieved me of all the panics for my exam. It cleared my mind.
One day that week, Daphne generously invited me round to her house. It was in a street right next to the beach with some lovely cream coloured houses, the slating laid neatly and the brown wood gleaming in the evening summer sun. Her one was quite a small house.
Daphne’s mother was called Sandy and Daphne’s father was called Seymour. They were both very nice indeed.
Her room was pleasant and simple. A small white bed with a blue cover, a wooden floor and yellow walls. That and a small table was it really, so it looked fairly tidy and minimalist. That is what I can remember.
It was quite different to my room. Mine had a four poster bed of dark almost black wood, with white pillows and covers. There were tall Victorian windows with gold decorative borders and shutters and the floor had a beige carpet.
There was a large box in one corner where all my clothes were and a rich painting on the wall of William IV. I am lucky that I am in a rich family.
Anyway, back to Daphne’s house.
We had tuna and leak pie for tea with warm mayonnaise and followed by sweets for dessert. It was a delicious yet basic meal, but it was lovely.
After tea we did some revising. Since I had already done loads, I helped Daphne - for she was finding it difficult. She did try hard and therefore succeeded. I tested her, and one time she nearly got all of them right.
The following week we spent breaktimes revising and on the day we were all very nervous, even me.
Four
Miss Thcyrbuk stood at the front, her brown hair in a tight bun, Her flowery skirt and her arms folded over her tall, thin figure.
“In a line please!” she barked.
We obeyed.
“Please Miss, you have a nice skirt on!” said Daphne.
I whispered to her about sucking up about something relevant.
Miss Thcyrbuk sighed. Daphne was embarrassed.
“Thankyou dear pupil.” she said. She looked slightly gaunt.
Suddenly, Mr Notslim, the year eight Geography teacher bounded in with his hand up his sleeve. Miss Thcyrbuk looked to him, the slightest interest causing a dark glimmer in her eyes.
“Where is it? Oh - there it is!” he said.
Miss Thcyrbuk’s mood totally changed. She looked harassed and giggled like a young girl.
“Oh Mr Notslim - you are a dear! Har har!”
That was it. He walked out again.
She gave us out our test papers.
Daphne glanced around curiously.
“No wandering eyes!” snapped Miss Thcyrbuk.
Daphne suddenly looked down, shaking. She was scared of Miss Thcyrbuk.
“Start now.”
The test was only fifty questions and I found it easy. She gave us an hour, not long. I actually enjoyed it but it was over quickly.
I finished fifteen minutes before the end.
Daphne cautiously entered the black bowl of darkness. It was cool down here and there was a distinct dripping somewhere above us. Water, yes. We could stow it back to the house. I followed her.
The cavern we entered was huge. Looking up, the ceiling formed a bell above us. We could never estimate how high or wide it was.
In small fissures I could feel sticky oil.
It smelt of old socks. How strange.
The next cavern was a weird green, the rock cracked in various places. A small tunnel, perfectly round and smooth, wound into the rock face. We crouched through it. I felt the rock. It was folded rock, the minerals perfectly layered on top.
The cave went for several minutes before the floor had strange layers on
it like the roots of a tree all spread out. It was like walking inside the gut of a strange animal. Water trickled over the floor.
We walked round and up side down, it seemed and before long I could not remember which direction was facing the floor, if there was one set floor. I remember crawling through in the dark, fearing the worst.
I lost my shoe in a hole which we did not see. It was under a deep fold laid over like a group of stalactites. The shoe fell down and landed far below with a splosh. We soon discovered that the folds were soft and shook like globs of glue. Or toffee. Some digging could make it bigger.
We pulled back the rock from the lip of the hole. Soon it was large enough. I went first, easing myself carefully into the hole.
It was pitch black and my feet hung in the air. I slipped into the hole.
The planet glowed greenish blue in the pitch black distance.
I sat on the ledge, a little way below the hole. I never knew how far away the planet was but the ledge was gritty and rough. I reached out.
My hands were in the cavern, before I fell.
It was only four metres but the moments were long and scary as I plummeted through the dark. That was a very stupid thing to do.
To my surprise I landed on soft brown sand. It was partially damp.
Water lapped a yard away.
Daphne landed beside me. I pulled my bag off and changed into my swimming costume. It was the school one, black with the emblem on.
I was shivering as I slipped the skimpy costume on.
I edged towards the water. As my eyes grew accustomed to the dark, I saw it rippling, black and shiny like tar.
My foot dipped in. It was freezing and gave me a quiver up my body.
I put my other foot in and I walked slowly in. The water was now up to my ankles, to my legs and further.
A while later, I was almost it. It was up to my shoulders.
There. I face dived in and emerged, grinning. And I saw Daphne watching me, also in her swimming costume. She was relaxing on the tiny beach.
I went under again and swam down to the dark green depths.
Five
The day after the exam, we got our test results. I was delighted when I found out that I had got full marks. Daphne also got ninety four percent, thanks partly to me, but she was so nervous and she did well.
But I got full marks! Loop whoop de ba da diy de ba de da da diy!
Miss Thcyrbuk asked us if we could think of a way that she could take
the marks in quickly. My hand shot up.
“Please miss, we read each of our marks out to you!” I said.
“Of course, love,” she said beaming.
Miss - Terry Stephens,
Terry - 85 percent
Miss - Ian Stephens,
Ian - 85 percent
Miss -Trido Weir,
Trido - 59 percent
Miss - Dolimo Bunker,
Me - Full marks, missus!
Miss - Really? Congratulations - have an owl!
Me - Thankyou missus, I will tell mother how kind you have been
Miss - Daphne Mayo,
Daphne - 94 percent
Me - I helped her revise!
Daphne - Yes, thankyou Dolimo
Miss - Good work, both of you!
Me - Thankyou missus
and that carried on . . .
I did many more tests over the months which all I got over 90 percent.
I suppose the worst part in my life was when I was ten.
Mr Vinda, the Headmaster sent my parents a letter after the twelfth maths test where I got full marks. It read,
Dear Paufda and Janine Bunker
Your Daughter has been an excellent and outstanding girl in the class. She has liked the teachers and as for her intelligence, the sky’s the limit. Her head is so quick learning, so sharp and so clever that we do not know what to do with her.
She loves the lessons, especially maths where she has just learnt her 6x tables and can recite it twice as quick as the second quickest student in the class. As I say, we don’t know what to do with her, your daughter Dolimo Bunker.
So our decision consensus has been to expel her from the Brighton Young School. The school is too limited and we do feel slightly that she is showing off a part too much and sucking up to the teachers, If I may say so.
I hope that she will be successful in her next school. She has just finished the spring term of year six so she isn’t missing much.
Great re - loading packerups are going to quit their fat roles. Shut up you!
Great Apologies
Yours faithfully
Vincent Vinda
“What?!” shouted mother when she read the decision of that beastly school. She typed an angry letter to the school but they just typed one back which simply said, ‘Read that letter again. I will not reply more.’
So that was the end of my education for that year. I missed the whole of the summer term - a third of the year. I couldn’t believe it.
Mother signed me up for a high class school in Brighton called Rodean Girls school. She said that I would go there anyway after year six.
I would be taking a test, a reasoning test where I looked at figures, codes, sequences and puzzles. It was very amazing, complex and intellectual. It was really to test how intelligent we were.
It was the months of June and July when I had private tuition with Mrs Both, tackling this strange, delightful new subject. I gripped it in just three sessions. Mrs Both knew me a lot more, and I was her favourite student she had ever taken. She also said that she taught learning support at Rodean. I was pleased when she said that Mr Vinda was unfair. I found the subject easy.
In late July, I took the test at the school. The school building was lovely. It was large and modern with a huge glass window at the front and back, a gigantic lunch hall and upper classrooms. A large clock rested on the front and a weather vane was perched on the tall golden roof.
I was nervous as I walked in for the test. I was sad that I had to leave Daphne at Brighton Young School. We were all wearing home clothes.
The lunch hall acted as a huge classroom for the whole year of nervous newcomers. We all sat on circular tables in groups of four.
The first test was the easiest. It started at ten and lasted three quarters of an hour and I found nothing hard at all. We had a break at eleven. Quarter of an hour later we went for the next test.
The second test was fairly easy lasting two hours, I only got stuck on one activity and one question. Then we had lunch at twenty past one.
I had my usual fairy cakes, fruit cake, hot chocolate and an apple.
But then a girl walked towards me. Her short hair was platinum blonde and she wore funny large glasses. I realised she was quite scruffy and she wore a sneer on her thin face. This was our first conversation.
Girl - Hi. I’m Flora Carne, who might you be?
Me - Hello my fellow school student. My name is Dolimo Bunker.
Girl - Did I hear Dolima Dunker or are you just a ponce? Or is that wrong?
Me - Excuse Me? My proper christian name is Dolimo Weberia Bunker.
Girl - Yah! What a Plastic Face!
Me - How dare you - you - you uncouth, mucky and rude youth!
Girl - Yeah but you can’t do nothin’ because you’re an old puff!
Me - How dare you insult my father! You really are foul! Wash you mouth!
Girl - You ought to learn to be like me you stuffed up witch!
Me - You really are nasty! I’m leaving.
Six
It was a bleak day in September 1986 when I was eleven. I had counted down the days of the last four months to the day when I would restart my education, as it were. I must stress that you might be sneering at me because of my education. Well do not. As I have said countless times in the Introduction, you are wrong to dislike education in all its factors. As I said, Education is a part of the body, as t’were.
Let’s return to the story then. I apologise to those people who love me, I know there are thousands but let’s get back on the right lines!
I couldn’t wait to find out the school uniform. And I did that day. It was a dark dark red shirt with a pink tie. Also, there was a short black skirt and tights. I thought it was ever so smart.
I arrived there on foot. I recognised the rich, golden palace of the school, rising up above the other houses like a majestic swan and many signets. I didn’t really know anyone there except Mrs Both.
I had already forgotten about that detestable girl in the hall.
Love equals love, hate equals hate, hate to love and love to hate are both negative, they are both not liking. I wonder why? Work it out!
Over the course of the year, I began to know Daphne’s big sister, Karen.
She was currently in year ten - three years older than Daphne and I.
She looked like Daphne as well, dark brown hair and blue eyes.
She nearly had the same lunch as Daphne, except she had lemon paste sandwiches. You could have said they were twins apart from age difference.
“So how is Daphne?” I said over a quick lunch.
“She’s fine, thanks,” she replied.
“Oh good, I wish I could see her,” I said.
“She sent you a letter through me,” answered Karen, licking lemon off her sandwich bread and then eating the bread.
“Really? May I see it?”
“Sure thing, pal.”
She handed me the letter. It read,
Hiya there Dolimo
I wanted to say congratulations for passing the test to Rodean school in Brighton.
I have not written to you since you were expelled from Brighton Young by that annoying brat, Mr Vinda.
I know it is halfway through year 7 and things aren’t getting along much without you.
But here’s the good news. I have also passed the winter test to Rodean and will be joining you in year 8! I have seen my sister’s uniform and I think it’s okay. But I still prefer my old one.
Unfortunately, Katya Latherissi will also come.
Do you know a girl called Flora Carne?
I think she is Katya’s sister’s friend’s sister. They might be mates when she comes so I’d steer away from them. How are the teachers? I remember you saying how you couldn’t wait to start algebra and science. You wanted loads of good strict Maths teachers. I am longing to know how you’re getting along. Everything in my family is s’well.
Well, as there’s nothing much to say other than I got a new lunchbox I will leave there.
Bye - Daphne Mayo
Next year, Daphne Mayo did come and as she predicted, Katya Latherissi made friends with Flora Carne. They were awful. Flora Carne was the worst. She used to call me a ‘boffin’, a ‘paufda’s puff’ and a ‘freak.’ Life was hard but the Mayo sisters were my bestest of friends.
Daphne got her own back on Katya in year 9 when Katya was put on report and had to have learning support from Mrs Both. So did Flora.
In English, Mrs Sparrow asked the class to write a Love sonnet. (A short poem about someone in particular)
I wrote one about Calculus, a famous mathematician who I admired.
But Flora Carne was dared by Katya Latherissi. It was really cheeky.
When she stepped up to the front, she coughed and recited her poem.
I’m Mrs Both
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so Big
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so Good
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so clever
Blah Blah Blah
I’m so
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!!
(What a pompous old windbag)
There was a deadly silence. I was sat at the front and just gaped at Flora in disbelief. How could she? How could she do such a nasty, cheeky thing?
In front of the English teacher? A few sniggered, A few looked impatient and several waited expectantly for the blow. There wasn’t one. But then,
“Go and stand outside, Flora. See me at the end,” said Mrs Sparrow sadly.
Seven
I can remember that Flora was put on detention for two weeks. She also got school misconduct. It turned out that Mrs Sparrow was actually a friend of Mrs Both. Such a crime as to make fun of a teacher in front of another teacher was unheard of. Mrs Both had been notified and apologised to. The awful poem was burnt at the stake. Four weeks later, the whole escapade had been totally forgotten about. Hoorah.
One week, the music teacher Miss Hale came round to my cello lesson. I had started cello in year seven and was mastering it well. I was at Grade six at the time and she popped in and said,
“Would you like to come along to my orchestra? It will only be ten minutes if you can squeeze that in a slot.”
“Yes please, I would love to Mrs Hale! I have more than ten minutes. I can be 1st cello.” She beamed as gave me the times.
A month later I performed lots of pieces in her lovely four hour concerts. My favourite composers were both French; Saint Saens, an amazing composer who created ‘Carnival of the Animals,’ I loved the piece ‘Le Cygne,’ the other one was Chaugh Pough. I loved his Baroque string quartet pieces, ‘Quat Tent’ and ‘Bow Loin.’
I was in Miss Hale’s orchestra and string quartet. She was lovely and was always adding pieces and encores. I used my talents to stir me up, as were.
Eight
When I was eighteen, in 1994 I went to the University of Brighton to study Maths. Daphne Mayo also went to study Religious Studies and Personal Development. I did not have to be with Katya Latherissi or Flora Carne.
We were allowed to not wear uniform but I dressed smartly.
My hair was now light brown, my nose and my chin pointy. I was very fond of my appearance. My eyes looked like pools of molten toffee.
I loved university. Every day, I would go there at seven am and return at five pm from studying Algebra, Trigonometry, Calculus, Theorem, Gradients and Computer Programming. It was wonderful being a mathematician.
When I was nineteen, I started teachers training. I was sent to teach at Brighton Young in fact. Thankfully, Mr Vinda had left and there was a much better headmaster called Doctor Ewol. He was part of the governing body, a great friend of the chairman of the governors and a friend of the spokesman of Brighton Youth Education. He didn’t believe in not allowing expelled pupils to teach there like Mr Vinda. Mr Vinda never allowed expelled pupils to teach unless they had a hearing aid. That striked me odd that a headmaster like Mr Vinda ever was that particular.
As you may have expected, I was to teach year eight maths - the oldest year group. I taught alongside Miss Green. We were both very strict. Miss Green taught set two, and to my delight, I was to teach set one, the best.
I also taught set three. I disliked set three.
I had to yell at them loads and send people out. I sorted them alright.
Coal burned in the fire and ice crystallised on frost.
Teaching soon ran dry and bitter for me. When I was twenty at university, I threw a birthday celebration. I invited Daphne Mayo, Karen Mayo, Mrs Mayo, Mr Mayo, mother and father to have a meal together at my house.
It was the best meal of my life and also celebrated five scholarships at A level Maths and Daphne had three, two in Religious studies and one in Personal Development.
I then went on to do Independent Studies at University.
I kept a journal of every move, every piece of work and idea I had, ready to piece my jigsaw puzzle together, all my observations and happenings. It was a little like a diary but looked on every aspect of the ‘whole.’
This was something my mother taught me when I was seven. The whole meant looking at the subject from every angle, creating a sentence to round it off, making an exclamation which was a page long piece of writing on what I studied and learning it. It basically meant weaving around it and doing every single thing possible with it - looking at every element.
I was to start Independent studies and go where few people had ever gone before. To explore every possibility in every subject and to start to create a subject. I spent long nights browsing over every encyclopaedia and dictionary and found a way of classifying every perspective of the worlds subjects, revising on what I knew, ie. everything I was taught.
I added to my journal the idea of every subject being linked together in a web. For example, Tree, Green, Plant, Flower, Decoration, Fabric, Materials, leading to two academic subjects - Science and Design Technology. (which was quite modern in those days)
That large subject could link to tens of other ideas. For example Science could lead to Physics, Chemistry and Biology. And that ‘string’ of links would not be on its own. For example, from Flower could be two strings, one to do with bread making and one to do with Flower as in the plant. That could lead to parts of the flower (to Biology, Science) and one could lead to types of flowers (colours, Early Learning or ever Gardening programs, Television/Radio, Media, Business Studies and so on).
Custom strings to a web were another idea which acted as strings for personal people like Green, My teacher, My school etc.
And then came simple custom stems which I just said or complex ones which widened the choice of things like green, shades of green, colours and so on. But I gradually added more ideas until I had something in the subject to grasp and work with somehow.
I remember sitting on an aeroplane back from my Christmas holiday in America and going to Heathrow. I was sitting there, opposite two people who seemed to be whispering about me. They were people at my University called Jessica and Sebastian Winton.
Sebastian later stole my book from the bar but I got it back, just before they threw it in the bin.
I had just thought of a name for the subject, Isexes - tradlatin for grouping. The final thing I added were the four different elements to the sum named after members of my family, Webs - Links to neighbouring subjects, Triangles - the overall question or answer, Bunks - The explaining or ‘pooling’ as I named it and Dolls - Items that back up reasons or sums and visible dolls linked back ups within the sum.
Nine
When I was twenty one I was already an adult. The year was 1997 and I had just left University. I had come a long way in life, but I still needed to come a good way more. I started letting Isexes off to the promoters where I explained it to them and they agreed to advertise the new subject, Isexes. One of the first schools they taught at was called Wycliffe College in Stonehouse, Gloucestershire. It was taught by a Mrs Corum and a Mr Gaunt later that year to ten and eleven year olds. It was also later released in the senior school where eight sixth formers signed up in a week! It was released to more schools over the year and began to get known as a Maths subject, ‘a new and complex maze of possibility’ was how the Sunday Times described it all.
Now Wycliffe and the five other schools treated it like a normal subject, as normal as algebra, decimals and fractions.
Many people thought it to be ingenious, but on the other side, over two hundred thought it was a pointless ‘mush.’
The first time I was on television was September 2nd, 1997 from 9.45pm for three hours on London Digital Channel. It was a conference, collection of speeches and debates. I moved house to an estate called Sisorca in London, The Thames Hill Zone. I still live there now and teach many lucky children Isexes private tuition. The estate is right next to the Park of London Park and it has a interesting museum and architectural hospital.
I have developed my image in many ways, by writing songs and taking fashion shoots. I work with Daphne in the Doldaphne system: Daphne chooses ten rich men to buy me the clothes I design and I wear them once or twice. I keep a quarter and auction the rest. They are worth thousands of pounds. Two thirds of the money goes to charity and one third goes to me. I then filter the money and thin half of it. I worked this out using Isexes. You can work out anything with it. And you must remember that if you want anything in life, fame or fortune, work hard and do not give up!
